Power Struggle

God

This life is torturous.
It's a fight for control.
A loss of control.
A fight to regain control.
A loss of control.
A fight to get it back.
Another fight to keep it.
How much of this is natural?
How much of this do you like to see?
How much of this makes you
Shake your head?
How much of this makes
Your disappointed tears fall down
Onto me as I'm once again Unsure.
Are You the warning shiver of hesitation that goes thru me ?
Are You the joyful security that
fills me
When I just do the thing
I'm not sure about ?
Or is that small undercurrent of guilt Your voice  telling me No?
I don't always recognize Your voice.
I don't.
But what I do recognize is You.
Your Unchanging hand holding up
the violet sky of almost-darkness
You sending the softest wind through the tiny-leafed trees
Your artist work in the new greenness of everything growing
Your love emanating from
the warm glowing sun at midday.
If I can recognize You in
so many things around me,
Why do I not instantly know You in me ?

Be still and know... psalm 46.10

Uncomfortable

It's safe here.
Cozy.
Stable .
Comfortable.
Why should I move?
This place too nice.
I'm happy.
Contented.
Secure.
Comfortable.
Why should I more?
Maybe there's a good place that is
Hard.
Shaky.
Uncomfortable.
Maybe I can find joy in
Chaos.
Insecurity.
Uncomfortable.
Maybe I should move.
Maybe comfortable isn't best.
Maybe unknown is better.
Maybe insecurity births character.
Maybe shaky becomes stability.
Maybe uncomfortable is the new comfortable.

If You Play with Fire

A flaming matchstick. A stack of straw bales. A child.
A flaming word matchstick. A stack human bales. An adult.


Both combinations lead to fiery infernos. The fires look different. They sound different. They smell different. But in one way they are the same. They burn everything they touch.

Don't play with fire.

Upheaval

Last spring I made a choice: I was done with an idealistic life, the jobs I loved and had worked for the last 6 years, the people who were my familiarity and my security, my stable, comfortable, easy life.
 lead me where my feet could never wander...let me walk upon the water wherever you would call me...take me where my trust is without borders...my heart will be made stronger....
The lyrics of this well known song (Oceans, by Hillsong) were my prayer for weeks, months maybe. I knew God wanted me somewhere I wasn't but I didn't know where. I knew I needed to step foot out of the safety of the boat and walk toward him over the waves but I couldn't tell which direction His voice came from. I started one way but turned around before leaving the boat realizing that it wasn't the right way. I heard a call from a different way, and mistook it for Jesus call, but that voice sent shivers of terror down my spine and I realized eventually that that wasn't the right direction either. Then the real call came. The call itself wasn't monumental and it was disguised as something I didn't want to do. But for some reason, there was little question about whether I would go toward the sound of that call or not. I just did it, because something about it was right. That decision changed my life; my straight and smooth path turned into a gradual incline; then suddenly the pavement ended and I was on a gravel road instead of a smooth highway. The occasional steep hill, or a boulder in the road to maneuver around have been part of this rolling path through the foothills. Then I reached the real hills, the tight switchbacks, the steep stretch, through a forest thick with trees and  wild animals crashing through the dense forest beside me, coming too close to my helpless self.
But one day I saw a few rays of sunshine sifting through the thickly-leafed trees and knew I was almost out of the forest. About the same time the path stopped being steeply uphill and abruptly started to be steeply downhill, And I knew the age old adage to be true "it's always darkest just before dawn."
Upheaval isn't all bad. In fact, I'm one of those annoying people who says that a perfectly easy life would be too boring and uncomplicated. I'm also the same person who *asked* God to take me places I couldn't go alone. He's  definitely done that and made me into a stronger wiser person through it all. Now that I'm on the downward climb on this stretch of road, I wonder what the next part of my journey will hold. And I hope that I continue to have the bravery and faith to let God take me to places I would never be able to traverse alone.

When You Come to That Place

Sometimes I feel like an imposter. A sinner dressed like I'm saved. A wild child masquerading as controlled. A devil worshipper convincing the world I am A Christian...a Christian...a christian..christian...hristian...ristian..istian...stian...tian...ian...an...n

Slowly Im falling apart until the only part of Christian left in me is a lonely shaky 'n.'
By then I have no strength left to stand; I feel like I'm being pulled under 6 foot waves of confusion and selfishness. Then I have nothing to hold me, nothing to support me, nothing to keep me fighting through those waves. Nothing but Jesus' promise:
When you come to the place that I'm all you have, then you'll find I'm all you need.

" Lean on Me
When you have no strength to stand;
When you feel you're going under, 
Holder tighter to My hand. 
Lean on Me
When your heart begins to bleed. 
When you come to the place that I'm all you have, then you'll find
I'm All You Need. "

-from the Sunset Watcher, rising out of the waves, only because I'm holding the hand of The One who controls them.

((Post inspired by myself and Lean On Me, a song written by Gary Mathena.))

Go reFind Your Inner Teacher

Everyone knows that New Years to spring break hasn't been the smoothest stretch yet.
Snowdrifts, snowed-in, wacky weather (you're hot and you're cold), dangerous skating ice, various attitudes and rebellions and mutinies, last minute plan-changes, restlessness and SPRING FEVER, and a whole lot more.
There's been chaos and sadness and excitement and fun, good days and bad days and lazy days and happy days; a mad tumultuous lovely routine mess of it all.
And yet, every day has been the same. The same annoying musical alarm tone at 8 o'clock every morning throughout. The same daily mad rush to leave the house within half an hour. The same sleepy minute-long trudge to school, rain or shine. The same routine of 9am buzzer, rollcall, devotional time, exercise, math, exercise, spelling, English, lunch, story time, exercise, literature, geography, dismissal. The same fight for order and continuity and peace and kindness in class and out. The same struggle to be everywhere at once and see everything that happens. The same constant pressure to  be wise, to know the answers to every textbook and life and moral dilemma my students or I face. The conscious ambidexterity needed  to daily relate to students, coteachers, school board, and parents each in context of their own status.
Nah. Teaching schools no big deal. I do it like a boss every day. Actually like a principle. (Hahhhhhhh. Lamest joke ever. Doesn't even make sense. Sometimes laughing at things that don't make sense helps to clear a teacher's brain.)
But, as I mentioned above, it does have its obstacles.  And that is the reason there is SPRING BREAK. The school board reads the weariness on their teachers' faces and realizes that a week away from the class room would be a great break for everyone and (hopefully) reinstate Courage and Passion into the teacher and the class.
To you teachers with only a few days of spring break left; do things that rejuvenate you. If it's messaging another teacher to commiserate or sleeping til 11 that last blissful day of spring break or making an unnecessary day-trip just because you *can* leave in the middle of the day or spending a few extra minutes with your Bible/prayer time because there are no deadlines to meet. Whatever it is. Do it. And when you go back to school Monday, don't forget the things that make you a good teacher -your God, your dedication, your love, and whatever  all else are your personal supports when things get a little crazy. Cause we're counting down now (How many weeks til yearend? As much as my students enjoy school, I'm still pretty sure they'll have that number ready for me Monday morning...) and I'm sure things will get crazy. But it's a good kind of madness, the wildness of a group of excited children, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I think I will.

This post seems a little scattered; i didn't even take the time to proofread it and I wrote it around my hectic spring break schedule of sleeping in and swimming and shopping.
ThankYou, school board for giving us teachers this week to regroup. I am grateful for the chance to eat, sleep and breath something other than school. And really I'm ready to be back in school Monday and watch students all day before I go catch the sunset.

TSW
the SunsetWatcher

Connections

Does anyone else have friends and family they communicate with almost daily but don't see every single day? Isn't easy? And fun? And when you talk to them it's not difficult to imagine they are with you right now even if you know that they really aren't. Amiright?
I have a different Friend, someone I've never actually seen. For some reason though, He's the Most Important friend in my life. I talk to Him every day and though i don't know what His face looks like, I do know what His heart looks like.  The only problem is, it's rarely my iPhone that connects me to Him. Talking to him would be a little more exciting if I could pick up my device and send a quick message. The way I do talk to Him takes a little more commitment than a short message here and there. Yes, I do send him short messages -quick prayers throughout the day, not via mobile network tho and it's a little hard to pray a mindless prayer (like a mindless text message) because those kind of prayers aren't usually very genuine or effective. So the short middle-of-the-day prayers can be a bit of a problem but usually not too much, or not as much as those daily devotion-prayers. The kind where I sit down and read a long email, then type a 2 paged Microsoft document myself and sent in response and then sit waiting the other person to reply again . Except the first received email is usually in the form of my KJV Bible that sits on the table beside my bed whenever it's not in service. My email in response is a long prayer, full of news and questions and many requests and frequently a lot of praise. The second received email is often an emotion, feeling or thought, or something that either comforts me or answers one of my questions or requests. And this "email" ordeal, it's not something fast. It's not something you can do in 2.3 minutes. It's not something you can push or rush through. It's time-consuming and patience-building. But it's important; it's the conversation that gives me the stamina and vitality I need for my life.
(A challenge for this week: Put down your smartphone for a minute and talk to God.)