Missing the Messy

Summer stole my job (life of a teacher) and now my life is much less messy. It’s been a  nice week, easy, exhaustingly lazy, zero challenge, bordering on boring. That’s good. But

I’m not sure I like my life this pristine. 

My life isn’t perfect. have problems. I really do, big ones, overwhelming ones. And then I have my husband. He’s amazing. I love him a lot. But no relationship isn’t a little messy. My life isn’t perfect. But it’s me, and it’s normal, and mostly I’m in control of my mess So it’s relatively pristine. That’s why I teach school. Children are messy. People are messy. They trigger a lot of extreme emotional reactions -mostly love, sometimes worry, even frustration, much joy, confusion, discouragement, laughter. And you are entrusted with then care (and education) of a group of children, there is never a moment when you’re not hyper aware, of them, what they’re doing. And now it’s just me by myself all day and my eyes don’t need to be 5 different places at once and there’s not always someone waiting to tell a story or ask a question. 

And

Im realizing that my parents succeeded in teaching me at least one of the things they wanted to. That life is messy and that’s the way it should be and if it’s not very messy, then maybe you’re staying too close to you and too far from others.  

Who knows how the summer will go. Maybe it will stay pretty clean and uncomplicated. And if it does I will be happy. But if I end up getting my heart a little messy, I’ll be happy with that too because pristine gets a little dull. 

How about you ? Ready for some pristine?  Or do you like a little human involvement and the messiness it brings? 

It Is Real

I’m sorry for how I am today.. I’m sorry I’m so unreliable and tear stained. I’m sorry I’m acting  the way I am. Believe me. If I knew how to make myself stop feeling this way I would.  

I don’t even know how to tell you why and how I feel. 

FlowerGirl was in my arms and someone was coming toward me to take her away and she was saying “no no” and crying and holding on to me. And then I woke up with tears in my eyes which I tried to get rid of cause it’s not a good way to wake up. But I couldn’t. And so now it’s lasted all day. 

But it goes back farther than that. This isn’t the first time I’ve dreamed about her. And I don’t talk about it because I know I’m going to cry and be sad and because it’s Difficult to talk. 

So now you know a tiny bit. 

This was me one day, too many days, since August. I hope days like this are over. Sometime I imagine that healing has started and the grief won’t ever hit so hard again. But time will tell.