Basically Just Mushy, but Also True

Some people impact my life the moment I lay eyes on them. Words don’t even have to be spoken. For me, these people are mostly children.

On thé other hand, sometimes it takes longer to build a rapport. Sometimes I see a child, even talk to them, a dozen or a hundred times before really connecting with them

And that, as a sage woman recently told me, is the beauty and the irony of being human: every person and every relationship is different. 

And here are some more beauties and ironies. 

It’s strange, really, how I can meet a person and understand immediately that they have already changed my life. 

It’s strange how my heart can literally jump at the sight of a pair of eyes in a sparkling in tiny upturned face and then turn an actual somersault inside me at the sound of a joyful giggle. 

It’s strange how the action of hugging is universal and transcends the need for words. 

It strange how a world view or strong opinion can melt and morph in the instant it takes a small hand to touch a larger one. 

It’s strange how garbled first words and mispronunciations become a new entire language. 

It’s strange how no words at all can be more powerful than many words. 

It’s strange how the pain of a child can create fissures of pain in me, how a scared sobbing girl running down the street toward me scars my heart even more. 

It’s strange that after loving sad children for so many years, their pain and fear is still contagious to me. Sometime wish I was immune to it. 

It’s strange how life works. How my/our life keeps filling fuller and fuller with children who need more love or care or safety than their caregivers can give. It’s stranger still that these same children rescue me from myself and my selfishness , love us in return, and shake up the settled routine life BTT and I live with their extravagant child happinesses and dramas and ideas  

I would love to give you a name for the child who was the inspiration for each it’s strange musing . But they are precious and tiny and innocent and they deserve privacy and respect. So I can’t   .  

Just an Experimental Survey Today, People

 

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The Minniest Cheesecakes with White Chocolates and Raspberries

My mom sent me this recipe created by Amy at Chew Out Loud by a year or so ago, raving about it’s deliciousness. It really is delicious. And that’s why I’ve adapted it to suit me. Here’s my version, the one BTT and I made today in celebration of Valentines Day.

The Minniest Cheesecakes with White Chocolates and Raspberries 

 ingrédients  :

For the Crust:

• 1 1/2 cups mixture of finely chopped walnuts (can be substituted with pecans) and finely crushed maria biscuits or graham crackers. I use a 1:3 mixture of nuts and biscuits 

For the Chocolate Lover: use crushed chocolate cookies in place of the walnut/graham cracker mixture. Oreo crumbs, for example. Or, because I don’t keep Oreo crumbs on hand, I often make a quick homemade version of chocolate cookies for crumbs.

• 4-6 TBSP butter, melted

• 1 TBSP cane sugar (optional. Add if using the walnuts.)

For the Filling:

• 170 - 225 grams white chocolate

• 1/4 cup whipping cream

•1 1/2 blocks (12oz total) cream cheese, softened to almost melted

•Optional: substitute 2-4 oz of cream cheese with equal amount softened goat cheese 

•1/4 cup cane sugar

•2 eggs

•1 tsp vanilla extract

• 2-3 tsp freshly squeezed lime or lemon juice ( about the freshly squeezed part. I would like to say I did that. But I don’t.) 

• frozen raspberries, crushed and/or wild blueberries  

instructions  :

Make Crust: 

•Mix crushed walnuts and biscuits together with butter and sugar (if using).

Make Filling: 

•In mixing bowl, mix cream cheese, goat cheese (if using) and sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs. Add vanilla and the lime or lemon juice.

•In a saucepan on the stove top or in a bowl in the microwave melt white chocolate chips together with the cream on low heat, stirring often. Cool for a minute or two before mixing it into the cream cheese mixture. 

Assemble Cheesecakes:

•Scoop a teaspoon of the crumb mixture evenly into 48 lined mini muffin tins. Lightly press down to form bottom crusts. 

•Drizzle 1 TBSP filling over each crust. 

•Top with crushed raspberries and/or blueberries. 

•Use a toothpick or knife tip to lightly swirl the fruit into the filling. 

•It’s nice to have a couple people doing this part; a lot of times when I’ve made these there have been kids around. They were too delighted to be able to help create these by pressing the crusts and adding the fruit. 

Bake:

• Put in oven preheated to 330• (yes, I absolutely bake things at unconventional temperatures.) for 20 minutes or until tops are puffy and no longer sticky upon light touch. 

•Let cool to room temperature, then cover and chill in fridge for a couple hours. If you just can’t wait to eat them, 20 or 30 minutes in the freezer (or outside on a -20• C day) is effective for cooling them quickly. 

Eat:

•These can be served with a tiny dollop of whipped cream or coconut cream or without. 

•For one brother’s birthday he and I topped these with whipped cream and crushed m+m’s and Cadbury eggs to make these tiny bites of deliciousness even more festive and fun. 

A Few Final Notes:

•The goat cheese adds a little bit of a tangy sourish note to these cheesecakes, as does the small amount of citrus. 

•For a calmer base flavour, use the lemon juice; slightly more exciting base flavour I recommend the lime. 

•I’ve tried using varying amounts of white chocolate in this recipe, and haven’t found that using more or less affects the texture at all. It does affect the flavour, though. If you use the  smaller amount, you can barely taste the white chocolate in the finished product; if you use the larger amount, the white chocolate shines through as the key flavour. 

Today a recipe. I’ve been trying to post this for days; finally, a long night of sitting in the tow truck later, here it is.  But first a disclaimer: I know chocolate bark is often more of a Christmas treat, but, surprisingly, this still tastes quite good even though it’s midJanuary. To be a typical food blogger I’d have to tell you how dark and depressing January is (although I actually don’t even think it is) and that you really deserve to treat yourself to this decadent snack to get you through this latest phase of this pandemic. (you actually do.) Consider yourself told, if you wish to be. 

Espresso Salted Caramel Cranberry White Chocolate  Decadence 

Vague Ingredient List 

•White chocolate I buy the cheapest bulkest white chocolate available at whichever store I am shopping at. 

•Salted Caramel or Caramel Sauce I use this recipe

, but any salted caramel sauce will work. See note below to find out more about this salted caramel sauce. 

•Dried Cranberries I dry my own very painstakingly in my oven, but any dried cranberries will work.

•Espresso powder I don’t know anything about espresso powders. The one I have is mass produced and available at superstore. 

Even More Vague Directions

•Melt white chocolate. I am a double boiler person, though for some of you more professional and patient cooks, a microwave would probably work well. I am the worst chocolate melter in history probably, so I usually end up stirring a dash of cream into my chocolate to make it smooth. 

•Spread chocolate in a thin layer over parchment paper. 

•Drizzle salted caramel sauce over white chocolate. 

•Sprinkle a light dusting of espresso powder over chocolate and caramel layers 

•Finish by tossing dried cranberries at random over the bark. 

•Freeze. This doesn’t take long to freeze. Depending how thick your chocolate and how cold your freezing place (outside is the best fastest freezer for me these days) an hour or two might do it. 

•Once frozen, crack into bite sized pieces. 

•Eat. Or store in freezer in an airtight container or bag. 

•I have not included amounts because I’m not that organized. You can make as much or as little as you want. 

My Thoughts on Salted Carmel Sauce 

I made this salted caramel sauce recipe  (the same one I mention above in the ingredient list) in August to serve to a multitude, and I still had 2 tablespoons in a jar in my fridge that I could never bring myself to throw out and that’s what I used for this recipe. My Grandmothers should be proud that I inherited, or learned, their frugality. Yes, you read that right. I made it in August. I made a vat of it (2 recipes maybe) and I’ve used it many ways, on many things, and served many people with it, and 5 months later it’s, shockingly, still edible. Throughout the fall it adorned Apple nachos, made humble carrot cake muffins into a fancyish Sunday dinner dessert, garnished cheesecakes and mini cheesecakes, been a fabulous accompaniment to sorbet and ice-cream, and perhaps more. I’m not advocating for this recipe over any other recipe for salted caramel sauce, although it’s the only one I’ve ever made; mostly I just think homemade caramel sauce is worth the slightly labour intensive  process, and that it’s not as intimidating as I once imagined it to be. 

The (boring) Story Behind the Recipe 

I use the word accidental a lot when I refer to my cooking. I really cannot stress that word enough. I may sometimes try to plan ahead, or determine to follow a recipe exactly, but I can rarely follow through on these resolutions. I usually make last minute changes or end up doing ingredient swaps when I find I’m out of something. And more often than not I don’t even use a recipe, or, if I do, I use it for something to base my food on, not something to follow exactly. 

I explained where my salted caramel sauce came from (my fridge). The chocolate, on the other hand, I had melted to swirl on top of some lowly peanut butter balls to make them tea party worthy. I melted way too much and couldn’t bring myself to put it in the garbage, so I had to come up with a solution. I spread my chocolate on a providential scrap of parchment and scanned my kitchen for some toppings, and that’s how this espresso salted caramel cranberry white chocolate came into existence. 

One Final Recommendation 

You can totally make this without the espresso powder. Okay, you could probably leave out any of these ingredients except maybe the chocolate part. And you could add ingredients also. But the ingredients I suggest compliment each other in decadent perfection. About the espresso powder. You could leave it out. But then your white chocolate bark will be nondescript and boring and just like karen’s. Non-Coffee People, don’t be afraid to try this. The dusting of espresso should be so light (see picture below for reference) that the flavour doesn’t scream COFFEE!!  at you. It is there to enhance the other flavours more than to add a layer of its own flavour. So my final recommendation is not to make this unless you have espresso powder.

Espresso Salted Caramel Cranberry White Chocolate  Decadence 

Small Firsts Attempt to Mark Passage of Time

January. 2021. 

Now. 

I think it’s January 2021, but I mean if you’d tell it it was November 2020 I’d probably believe that too. What is there to mark the passage of time. [yes, I know, a calender]

Although my life is low key, I have done some new things recently. Low key new things, of course; we Wouldn’t want anything too dramatic or out of the ordinary to mar this barren expanse of winter months. The first happened a couple weeks ago. The others are from this week. I don’t do a lot of things I haven’t done before. I think I should do more, actually, because I’m scared of getting stuck in one place and routine that I’ll never be able to dig myself out of again.  these are such minimal accomplishments that I’m  embarrassed to share them. But I am in need of a count my blessings session, so maybe narrating these will cheer me up. Or maybe you can cheer me up by pming me or posting a comment about what new things you’ve done recently  

FaceTime with a Stranger.

Even selfies scare me, to be honest. So video calls are definitely not my friends, except if my own camera is off, or I’m talking to my family’s faces. I’m not photogenic. Maybe it’s the years of anti-camera drilling. Maybe I’m just insecure and ugly. Also *goes into tangent about current impossibly perfect photography trends that she really knows nothing about but nevertheless despises.* Whatever the reason. I don’t like being photographed by myself, or by others. Even with filters and magical lenses and *tangent continues.* Even a basic driver’s license photo is intimidating to me. Now that I’ve established all that, I don’t have much more to say. I FaceTimed  with a stranger. I’d never FaceTimed a stranger before. But  it was actually great. And maybe that will be the end of my camera related insecurities. Except it wasn’t. 

Cross Country Skiing 

You know this is quite a difficult long trail for your first time skiing. Upon arrival, I was greeted with these words by the friend who had invited me. 

Now you tell me, I thought but [surprisingly] didn’t verbalize in return. 

You mean you haven’t even gone downhill skiing?

Uh. No. I’m one of those old fashioned snowboarder people. 

Oh. 

Despite the anticlimactic beginning, the afternoon truly was magical. Snowflakes fell in sparkling showers in the meadows.  The Enchanted Forest was shadowy and lonely and mystical and aptly named. There was a fairytale cabin in a clearing and we filled it  with sarcastic chatter as we entered its wood fired cosiness. I sat daydreaming, staring through the window over a snow-curtained valley and forgot to be part of conversation when it turned less sarcastic. As to my first skiing experience ever, although the trail was long, it wasn’t too long, and the foreboding warnings didn’t come true. My skis only got tangled once and, despite decrepit ski boots, I never even got cold toes. 

Cooking More Interesting This Week 

Does anyone else end up cooking the same 10 meals over and over again because you’re boring and know you’ll like them? I’m on a mission to not be this person. I feel like it’s something I will not succeed at. But this week I did. 

I made Honduran Enchiladas one night. First time. Corn tortillas were successful. Egg on top was unexpectedly delish. Will make again. 

I made pitas that tasted good and actually sort of puffed like they were supposed to.

And then I made chicken shawarma and I was the happiest. 

Skid Steer. 

No vehicles belonging to other people were harmed in the creating of this episode. 

On a whim, I drove the business’s / brothers business’s skid steer a few weeks ago and found out how easy it was and how empowered it made me feel, and I wondered why it took me this many years to get into a skid steer. This week I drove it again, this time for a worthy work cause. And I still felt important and clever and also very nervous because I was sure the security system was being monitored by above mentioned suspicious brothers. I moved all the snow out of the compound that I was supposed to move with literally no mishaps. This is truly a feat for me: if there is a possibility for a mishap I will find it, ie Tipping my husband’s snowmobile while going the slowest speed in the history of snowmobiles, a story for another day. 

Stay tuned for more snowmobile/ atv/ skid steer related escapades. I hope I will not have any more to tell, but I fear this won’t be the case. 

Last Day of Over-Sharing Challenge

DAY 30: What I feel When I Write

First a Life Update. In keeping with yesterday’s post on goals, I accomplished one of my immediate ones. We got my snowmobile running today. That involved rebuilding the top end of the motor. BTT says I did most of the work, but that wasn’t strictly true. I took it apart and put it back together but the in between important stuff was mostly him. A also contributed, mostly by talking a lot, but also with some helpful bolt inputting. Whoever it was, it worked. And we’re all happy with the outcome. And now we can go sledding and bring all our kids sledding. This is a good winter for snowmobiling parties since most other activities are off. 

What I Feel When I Write: I’ve read many blogs, but I don’t remember anyone writing about this. I’m sure people have, but maybe not many people, and not the people I read. 

When I’ve written this month I’ve often felt pressured. That’s not ideally something I like to feel when I write. Because I am night owly, and write best at night, many of these last 30 posts have been written in the evening or later, and when I do that, my eyes scold me. Writing with the knowledge of an audience isn’t ideal. Maybe if you all were strangers it would be easier. Sometimes I think you’re going to know too much about the real me, maybe not so much by what I write as by the way I write. I’m scared of too many people knowing me. 

I like my words to come from me, to stem organically from my thoughts and my life. I like my writing to be effortless. I like to lose myself in my own or keyboard. I like to stop writing and surprised at the words in front of me. I like my hand to get cramped from trying to keep up with the words flowing out of me. This is all idealist, but it’s my truest form of writing. Maybe it’s my truest self. When I can write like this, I feel cleansed. When I empty my mind onto a paper or screen, it’s a form of freedom. I realize things I never know about myself, about my thoughts, about my life, about other people. 

To reiterate and condense: I think best in writing. Writing calms me. Writing makes everything make sense. You guys freak me out. 

There. I’m done my 30 day challenge. Maybe I’ll disappear for a while to recover from over sharing. Or maybe this habit will stick. 

About Imprisoning Myself and Also Bournes

DAY 29: My Goals for the Future 

This is coincidental and entirely fitting that I write about future goals on the horizon of a new year. And because I always complicate things if I can, and just listing some things I want to do seems easy, I did have to think about what would keep me from reaching my goals. 

If you can’t be reconciled with the roots of your history and the tragedies, sometimes you start to imprison yourself

These are words from a unnamed Swiss Mennonite Pastor. And although he was speaking in a broader sense, referring to Anabaptist history, and specifically to the persecution our ancestors endured and its lasting impact through many generations, I thought it was just as true on a personal level. It’s hard to move forward, or even to look ahead when I’m stuck in the past. If I’m trying to stomp down unforgiveness I thought I had modified to forgiveness years ago, or kicking myself for stupid decisions I made along the way, or holding onto things I should’ve changed long ago, I imprison myself.

On to goals. I’m not sure how I feel about goals. Actually I probably am sure. I like attainable goals, but also goals that contain some kind of challenge. I feel like goals don’t have to be enormous futuristic things. They can be menial and they can be immediate, which are the kind I’ll mostly list here. 

Goals. Bournes. I found a new word. New for me that is.

Bournes I’ve already begun and determine to continue include Continuing to learn French (I would like to be able to at least read and write French)even if I don’t ever speak it), Continuing to bond with the sunset/sky in general, Continuing to write regularly, whether on this blog for anyone to read or just for myself, Continuing my quest to visit every continent, something that’s been on my bucket list for like ever, Continuing to learn more things and meet more people who aren’t like me. That doesn’t mean I don’t value all of you who are like time.

Bournes I haven’t begun. 

Weave a massive rug. Learn how to make baskets out of I’m  not sure what. Learn to surf; Yes I do realized the unlikeliness of that. Learn to build things like with woods and tools and things like that. Relearn to knit. I’m out of ideas. 

I know there are more things I plan to do but tonight doesn’t seem to be the time to remember them. It’s been a long month of posting, intensified by having to stick to prescribed topics, something I knew to begin with I was kind of terrible at. These aren’t New Years resolutions because I don’t believe in the cliched ideals, having witnessed them fail more often than not. I believe in having attainable every day goals to go along with massive life-long ones and that I can add to my list of bournes any day of the year I want to. The end.