Solutions and Resolutions. Adaptions and Adoptions. Change and exchange.

Solutions,
Resolutions.
Adaptions,
Adoptions.
Change,
exchange.

Insead of being overwhelmed
when there is a problem,
I can change something. 
I can adapt my methods,
Or
I can adopt a new tactic,
Or
I can change a little ritual,
Or
I can exchange one way of doing it for another,
until 
a change for the better is happening.
Yes, routine.
But sometimes I'm doing the wrong routine. 
Yes, consistency. 
But sometimes I'm focusing on the wrong things. 
Yes accountability.
But not to the point of unattainable. 
It's hard (for me) to admit defeat,
to accept failure, 
to try again a different way
(Because usually, The Way I Know,
that is The Best Way.)
But, again,
Why am I here?
                    •To do things my way?
                    •To benefit me?
No.
Because of children, now my students.
Because of the future of my world.
Because of the future of my faith.
Mostly, because of God.
So, tomorrow,
when I'm fighting the change I need to make,
Sighing, at the thought of all the work
I'll need to do to make this work,
Discouraged because there seems to be no solutions 
to a certain child's seemingly hopeless bad habits,
I need to ask myself the question,
Why am I here?
That will help me remember my students,
Inspire me to review and refocus
Push me to rearrange my priorities
from
Easy4me before IsThisHelpingMyStudents
To
IsThisHelpingMyStudents before Easy4me

Last Year's Teacher

A few of the things I hear from the middle schoolers:

•Our teacher last year let us use the calculator to do our math.

•Our teacher last year didn't want us to write in cursive because she couldn't read cursive.

•Our other teacher let us play on the train tracks for recess.

What will they tell next year's teacher about me?

survival

My life has done a drastic change.
Instead of being so focused on me and my people, I'm learning to know new people and lifestyles and ways of doing things.
I have my set emotions I usually feel -sad, unfulfilled and worried in my unhappier moments and, more often content in boringness, happy and confident. Now, though, I've j u m p e d > > > so so far
out of my comfort zone that I don't even have the same emotions. Instead of worrying of longterm life plans I'm wondering *how I'll make it to Friday.*  Instead of feeling like I'm not sharing God and myself with enough people, I feel like I can't give everyone in my life the time and attention they deserve. I'm lonely in my hectic busyness and fighting a little to find contentment in giving. The one emotion that I feel the same as always, is confident. Confident that with God I can and will do this; confident that I am in the right place, that I'm here for a reason, and that God set me here.


 *ask and it shall be given you*

My heart loves this verse. It begs God for lots of things, but always the same two things. In my journey to figure exactly what my role in this new community, in my new job, and in my new church is, I made several intense, pleading requests to God this week -the two things I always instinctively ask for, and two more.
1. Life
2. Love
3. A miracle for the saddest N boy who goes to my school
4. That when God needs my help I will cooperate

horror.

Horror.
A haunting shriek cuts through the gloomy moment of silence and echoes shrilly off a long cold corridor.  As the cry subsides into eerie stillness, the brown light from a single lightbulb suspended high above flickers and  my corner of the room-like hallway feels colder and darker than just a minute ago. I huddle, seeking the strength and comfort the chipped cement walls give me. These cold walls are my mama. I go to them for  hugs when I need refuge and comfort. They are where I pour out my anger; when I am alone for a moment I recklessly pound and kick on them, giving them my emotions for safekeeping. Because they sympathize. They see the things that happen in this place. The pain inflicted by the stick-wielding  People (although they don't deserve to be called that) who beat me when I can't follow their rapidly barked instructions. The shouted virulent insults they rain down on me in moments of my failure. The way my self worth, my culture, my personality, the people and things I love, and even my body are jerked from my tenuous grasp and buried deep deep under the way they make me be.

My imagination runs wild as I walk through the cold wide hallways of the school where I teach. Usually I see the ancient block walls as opportunities for posters and bright paint colors and things to make it a friendly fun place for children to enter and learn. But  when the Carefree Children go home and the night is approaching and I'm the only one left in the cold shadowy school I think about what other things these walls have seen; to me  the cold foreboding unfriendliness of the building and its bleak surroundings are the picture of Canada's shame, the residential school system. And although I have no proof that it actually was once a place of horror, my imagination, maybe my intuition tells me it was. And if something good can come from the horror of those, it has, making me a better teacher.
That haunting picture of a small one crouched by the icy walls crying for home and love and comfort inspires me to do anything to make this building a happy place, even a shelter from some child's unhappy home life.  That child's scream will echo often through my mind, reminding me to pull my children even closer, to keep them safe and make them feel secure. And When in my mind I'm the sobbing small one hugging the wall because she has no mama, I instinctively love my students a little more, not wanting to think that could happens to any of them. And when my heart is cowering under  imagined insults and cruelty of a piously clothed but wicked hearted human, my inside cries, giving me courage to push aside my impatience and say an extra word of praise instead of reproof.

I have no connection and no scars from the residential school era and am not First Nation myself, but because I know and love people whose lives have been rerouted through horror as an effect of these schools, I feel a tiny bit of their pain.  I wish I could be part them, of their mourning  and overcoming. As it is all I can do is give them support, share a tinybit of courage, and always prayers for them. I silently mourn their losses, love a few of their children, and do my best to make sure none of these horrific things happen to anyone I can protect.
I have a challenge to anyone who reads this. Can this be a Generation of Peace? A Generation of Kindness? A Generation of Acceptance? A Generation of Understanding? And most of all, a Generation of Love? One Generation with *so many names.*
I'm going to be one of that Generation.

says the Sunset Watcher

courage

Be strong and of a good courage. 

Be not a afraid neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. 

It was no coincidence that the first Sunday in my new church in my new town my favourite verse was the sermon. God totally knew what He was doing. He knew that although at that moment I was  vibrantly full of courage, it wouldn't be many hours before fear would threaten and courage would be only the whisper of this verse in my heart. I didn't know that but i soon found that out.

Be strong were the words that prompted me to walk in front of the crowd of strangers, head held high, acting confidence I didn't have. 

Be of good courage were the words that inserted hope when I looked ahead to endlessness. 

Your God is with you wherever you go are the words that kept me brave enough to walk on, through fear. 

I have no doubts that This verse will be my stability throughout the next 9 months. I have no doubt that God wants me hear and no doubt that although this looks daunting and terrifying sometimes, God wouldn't have sent me here if He knew I couldn't do it. 

6 Hours and a LifeChange

1 giant decision made months ago resulted this week in:

2 sisters and 1 mum
All my transportable earthly belongings
6 hours in my Andromeda car
And arrival to the gently rolling prairie country.

A life change.


Sadness because goodbyes
Anticipation because Future
Fear because 200 new people
Excitement because changes
Courage and peace because
My God is with me wherever I go
Joshua 1vs9