I supervised 2 small cooks yesterday, One of them my 9 year old brother-in-law, A, and the other our 7 year old niece, N. They are both great workers; A is an extraordinary baker and cook for his age and always begs to bake when he comes over. N, on the other hand, had never made tortillas before but she does seem to know her way around the kitchen.
These two are quite the pair. They are best friends who spend a lot of time together and miss each other when apart. Also, they are enemies. Their unusual relationship dynamic of being the same age but one being the uncle, the other the niece maybe exacerbates their differences.. Every activity they do together is an immediate competition and each one always feels like the winner and the boss, convinced the other is slower/incompetent/a loser.
Making tortillas with them was like a marathon. Every step of the way was an argument about who was waiting on who, about who knew more about what, about what the other was doing wrong. But interestingly, and to their credit, this kept them driven. I didn’t have to stand over them saying « do this! You forgot that! » Their competition kept them on task and working well. They figured out how to take turns and get things done quickly but the insults and criticisms and arrogant boasting flew though between the two of them the whole time.
I think there’s a word for this kind of relationship these days: toxic.
In the manner of adults who aren’t parents to the children in their charge I tried to coerce them into slipping accidentally into kindness. I thought if they’d say one or two positive things they’d maybe forget their bitter competition. In the manner of adults who aren’t parents to the children their care I thot I could change them for a couple hours. Guess whether or not I succeeded.
Last night while reflecting the events of the day in my tired Brain, I realized there were some similarities between their behaviours and some of mine. Of course their child brains don’t have the same filters and shame-settings as mine do so their actions and reactions are less tempered, but I think there are equivalents similar enough.
Angry words do make things happen and, often, happen quickly. Honestly tho, every time, kindness would have been more effective. Another thing I observed: These kiddies were able to work well as a team while still fighting, arguing and feeling better than each other. In fact, controversy fueled their work ethic. Teamwork isn’t everything but Teamwork together with generosity are two important keys to working well together with people. ´I was wrong’ are 3 short words that can change relationships for me forever. Why are they so difficult for me to say?
Then. The next day in our morning devotional time my husband and I read this verse which was totally along the same line as my thoughts:
“To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men.”
Words are so important. Tone of voice speaks volumes. Facial expressions trump all of these. Eyes are windows to the soul, don’t forget. This reminds me of a social expriment I enacted in the months before human interactions were deemed dangerous. And that is a story for another day.
This version of My Day Making Tortillas with Kiddies and the Important Lessons on Cooperation and Communication will go up mostly unedited. Please forgive that becos it gives me an extra moment to linger under the waning midnight sunset
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