Self-improvement September

Dont lie to me, he tells me. 

And then, Women always say that:

I don’t need anything. 

I wasn’t hungry anyway. 

I’m okay. 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 

You go, I’ll be fine. 

People experience similar things, but rarely, maybe never, are two experiences/emotions identical. Close enough to be relatable, absolutely. Identical, I doubt it. So. when my husband plays the women always card I usually get upset at him. This time I looked into his eyes and laughed, because in that moment it felt like he spoke the truth about me, and he spoke it in the kindest way he knew. I knew he was clumsily trying to help me realize something about myself and our relationship. And if it’s a truth about people other than me, women or men, great. If not, it’s still me. 

Tell me if you can relate to me. If you’re Someone who says she’s okay, she’ll manage, when in reality she probably won’t. Someone who sacrifices the things she needs for the people around her, when it’s not healthy for anyone involved. Someone who apologizes for her personality instead of apologizing for the things she can control -her words for example. Someone who pushes away the people who try to listen to her. Someone who says no when someone wants to help.  Someone who hides her weaknesses behind responsibilities and commitments. Someone who refuses to admit to being incapable.

I’m all about being an independent, capable, strong woman, about being unselfish (but you know from my last post how hard that is for me.) and sometimes life doesn’t leave me a lot of choices. But frequently my stubborn independence and strength alienates people close to me, and my unwillingness to admit weakness makes it difficult to be realistic. 

I’m saying it like it is today. 

I was too chicken to post this when I wrote it, but after my post earlier this week I decided I have nothing to lose. September seems to be the time for personal growth essays. Readers, do you have any of your own to share ? 

Maybe in October I’ll switch from self improvement to house improvement stories. Who is interested in reading those ?

No One Talks About the Days

No one talks about the days when you sit on a gravel pile beside your brother in law and try not to cry.* Tears Because. All the things. But Basically because you’re a selfish person and can’t muster up the patience today (and yesterday and the day before that, and beyond) demands. Also Because you’re tired of his passive aggressive attempts to hurt you every time he gets within kicking or shoving distance.  Also because you can’t listen to one more of his continuous inane questions without screaming. Also because there’s one slice of pizza in the fridge that’s calling your name really loudly, but you know that as a semi-loving semi-responsible adult you’ll have to share it with him. At least he kept the swearing for his mother. 

In the moment, I just see behaviours. The agression. The whining. The not listening. The calling his mom a string of expletives. The crying dramatically if he doesn’t get what he wants. The purposely doing things to annoy people. The endless endless endless talking. 

In the moment I don’t think about how his life has been. The first few weeks of school this year  have been hard for him -a favourite teacher quit after the first few days because a not so favourite teacher isn’t cooperating to make his school days happy and successful. Home Life is a little chaotic right now with people working crazy hours on harvesting and meals happening in random locations and fields. Further back, he has struggled for most of his life with illnesses, seizures, and physical handicaps. Further back yet, before he was belonged to this family, he was a tragically neglected baby who was never removed from his car seat for the first months of his life and had minimal human interaction before coming to live with our family.  

Life with a child with handicaps is difficult. He’s not my child, but he’s spent a lot of time at our house lately. (Remind me again -why did we move so close to The Parents?) He can be precious, adorable, loving, even helpful. These qualities have been scarce recently. When he was in bed tonight, the last battle of the day over, I was finally able to get some perspective -to think about the tragedies of his life and how they have impacted him, to remember that he does not have to tools to communicate his feelings, emotions, or even physical pains through words. “Every behaviour is a message,” says my mil after he’s finally asleep. His behaviours are so much easier to process when he’s sleeping. 

An admonition. Treat people with handicaps with respect. Treat their caregivers with respect. You may not be someone who knows what it’s like, and that’s okay. A former student who is growing up fast told me some wise words today about how to treat “our” child, and this applies universally. “Treat him like you treat everyone else,” she said, “kindly.”

*i realize this specific situation is not a universal problem. however, selfishness and reacting badly in difficult situations are. if anyone has suggestions for ways to be a better adult in these situations I would love to hear them.