Guiding Lights in the Sky Still Exist, Thousands of Years After First Christmas

Guiding lights in the sky still exist, thousands of years after wisemen followed an unusual star to find Baby Jesus . The auroras shine in the northern sky on all the clear nights. I watch them almost every hour some nights thanks to Little B’s wakings. They talk to me loudly with their moving colours, speaking of unfettered Majesty and Power. They make me feel small in this universe and remind me of the insignificance of the time I occupy compared to forever. These lights in the north are my star of the east. They lead me to Jesus. 

More Wise Words From a Kid

 Our friend, age 11, said something the other day that made my heart so happy. I haven’t spent much time with her lately and had forgotten how profound she can unintentionally be. She was looking over a list of school responsibilities in the congregation (hot lunch, devotions, cleaning) and asked me, “why do they sometimes have just your name and mostly just Brent’s name?” She immediately answered her own question. “Oh, I know ! It’s because you guys do things together. They know that if they write Brent’s name you’ll go with him, or if they write your name they’ll get Brent there as well.” 

That might be the most beautiful thing anyone has said about us. It’s what I want my marriage to be. The instinctive doing all the life things together. 

The annoying “goes ask BTT” I have often told all “our”  kids. And then they come back and tell me “well, BTT says yes if you say yes and no if you say no.” That must have showed told her that we were (generally) in agreement with each other. She’s seen the way we eat meals together, collaborate in caring for Little B, pray together work together on projects together, clean up supper together, the way we don’t make decisions without each other or without at least factoring each other into the decision. All these mundane life things we often do without thinking, pretty much as second nature. These every day things are each fairly inconsequential on its own but add up to a solid happy marriage. And these little things sent a message to our little  friend -“these guys do everything together. They’re basically one person.”  Her parents haven’t modelled a relationship like that so she’s not used to the security and stability of it. But us, we’ve been lucky. We see this kind of relationship modelled a lot -by most of our friends, by our parents, by our siblings, by the couples we go to church with.

Sometimes I’ve balked at the staid Holdeman tradition of using the husband’s name to represent a couple or even whole families. I’ve felt erased. But Lex doesn’t see it that way. She views it as the ultimate inclusion, automatic, because, “you guys do things together.” 

Overthinking and the Internet isn’t Real

When I don’t post for a long time it’s not because I haven’t written anything. I write things but run out of time to finish them. Then I come back to them later and realize how poorly written and arbitrary the piece is and that I’ve written from a biased perspective once again and I give up. 

On the topic of biased perspective: E’s Mom was talking to me in church one day about Mennonite mom blogs / instagrams and how perfect everyone tries to appear on the internet. “The internet isn’t real,” she said. I felt smitten. Maybe this is why I haven’t posted for months.  I think it’s pretty much inevitable to present some degree unrealness on the internet or even in face to face social interactions. There’s really no way for someone to know your actual life / lifestyle without being an intimate day to day part of it. That said, I do acknowledge that some people are better at presenting realness than others. I want to be one of those people.

Are confessions the same as being real? I have one. My son listened to a cocomelon song for the first time in his life tonight. In my defence, I did not let him watch the video. 

Broken In

Broken in. my favourite cast iron pan, my most used pizza stones, BTT’s grandma’s timeless cutlery that graces our table at every meal, the tired sweatshirt that is still the coziest one I own. A pair of shoes I’ve owned for years. Some things work better after you break them in. 

Broken in. People can be broken in too. 

The ones who’ve had children almost die or lost babies. The ones who’ve lived through financial ruin. People who’ve taught dozens of students and maneuvered years of tricky relationships with parents and boards. The ones who’ve experienced trauma after trauma but still have a shaky smile or kind word to give. The ones who are a little lost and a little confused and admit it. People who’ve lived most of their life in pain, physical, mental. People who’ve loved and cared for other people’s children for decades. People who’ve lost or had to let go of the people they love. People who have recognized a negative behaviour or trait in themselves and worked to change it. People who’ve come back from the depth of despair, the brink of death, or the cold corners of hatred or anger. People who have had mostly smooth sailing, but allowed the little hiccups of life to sand them down and make them look a little more broken in.  

broken in doesn’t mean we’re worn out. It doesn’t even we’re mean broken, although some of us are or have been. Broken-in people are people who’ve lived through something hard and instead of breaking at their weak spots or after breaking at their weak spots, they heal, they become stronger. The wear and tear of life shows on them, but it hasn’t destroyed them.  

I go to church with so many broken-in people and I love that about them. I meet them in stores, they sit on my couches. They stand in my entrance and focus on my wear and tear and not their own; I want to learn to do this. 

My grandma once told me something that comes back lto me periodically: “As people age, they either get better or they get bitter”. Tonight I’m rephrasing this for myself. Am I letting life wear me out or break me in ?

Marinade for Meats

Returning today to  share this summer’s marinade. Honestly it’s every summer’s marinade for me, but every year it gets twisted a little further from the original. 

I’m posting this in the most confusing format I could come up with. Kidding. It’s not intentionally confusing but I can see it might be hard to follow. The first recipe is the one I’ve based my current recipe on. I’ve been making this recipe for over 10 years, probably more like 15. And it’s still delicious. It didn’t need changing really. But I guess I got bored somewhere through the years and decided to starting substituting and adding ingredients liberally.

The second recipe is the one I currently use. I’ve included the original ingredients above the current ones for comparison. That’s the part I thought looked a little confusing when I proofread this post. Sorry not sorry.

Original Recipe from Someone Named Cyndi Who Once (or twice or thrice) Lived in Malawi 

•3 TBSP Lemon juice

•1/4 cup veg oil

•2 TBSP Ketchup 

•1/2 cup Soy sauce 

•1 TBSP Garlic salt

Mix together. Add chicken breasts. Allow to Marinade. Cook. 

2023 Version by me myself and moi

Instead of Lemon juice:
•pickled jalapeño brine, red wine vinegar, balsamic vinegar, and maybe a dash of lemon or lime juice: a mixture of equalish parts of these totalling 1/4 cup

Instead of Vegetable oil:
•1/4 cup olive oil or avocado oil

Instead of Ketchup 

•2 TBSP homemade salsa  

Instead of Garlic salt

•a couple cloves or 1/2 - 1 tsp garlic  powder

•1/2 cup Soy sauce -I don’t change or substitute this ingredient. Shocking.  I have left it out when making it for someone who doesn’t do soy sauce. 

My Additions:

•Dijon mustard. I don’t know why Dijon mustard, Except that is ever a dish that  Dijon mustard doesn’t improve? I Add a tablespoon or maybe two. A few squirts. The amount isn’t hugely important.

•Worcestershire sauce -a couple shakes will do 

•Pickled Jalapeño slices 

•Any fresh herbs I have at hand. Like I won’t go out and pick them just for this but if I have them wilting on the counter I’ll throw them in. 

•maple syrup or honey. I often drizzle in a small amount of one of these natural sweeteners just because with using salsa instead of ketchup the marinade could be lacking sweetness and end up too astringent from all the acids and the soy sauce 

••• I mix everything together in a ziplock bag give it a shake then dump in my meat. Chicken thighs / breasts / wings. Steaks. Pork tenderloin medallions. Often when I have fresh meat I’ll put some of it into this marinade and toss it in the freezer and forget about it until I need it.you can grill this, add to your disk meal and wrap it in homemade tortillas, make it into a stirfy (the orignal recipe suggests this) etc. 

We grilled (or fire roasted) meats for most Sunday dinners this summer. I prioritized keeping sides simple and usually doing only one per meal: airfryer sweet potato fries, baked beans, my favourite sourdough seed bread (yes this is the second post in a row I’ve mentioned this bread, no I’m not being sponsored I’m just always obsessed) with homemade garlic herb butter, pan fried green beans, that kind of thing. Eating leisurely Sunday dinners in our very own park I mean yard, then staying sitting most of the afternoon drinking iced tea is one of my happiest memories from this summer. But now The cool evenings have been whispering to me that grilling season is almost over for the year, and so I present this recipe as an homage to summer 2023.

2 Uses for Fresh Herbs

Summer is not the time for inside on my phone. It is the time for outside with my boy, outside with my garden, outside at the lake, outside on the lawn mower and also for cooking with all the delicious things from my garden and all the other amazing summer produce. And so This post has taken all summer to write. Finally posting.

Last summer I posted this Chimichurri recipe. This summer I’m back with more uses for fresh herbs a Ranch dressing style recipe and a recipe for herbed goat cheese. You could buy mediocre versions of them at the store, but if you’re obsessed  with growing herbs or buy fresh herbs you can make them much better yourself. 

 Scroll down for the recipes. 

Herbed Goat Cheese

I served this with my favourite my favourite sour dough seed bread for Father’s Day lunch recently and thought it paired so well with the nutty flavours of that. 

Ingredients :

+Goat Cheese 

+Mixture of Fresh Herbs -chives, dill, basil, parsley, oregano*

+Salt and Pepper 

+small amount fresh garlic or garlic scapes, optional 

Directions:

••Mince herbs and garlic. Mix into goat cheese. Salt and pepper to taste. Spread thin layers on breads or toasts , in sandwiches, etc.

*I use chives, basil, oregano and dill. I find fresh dill can be overpowering in something like this and I wanted to be able to taste the other herbs as well so I started with a small amount of dill, tasted and then added a bit more to my liking. In my opinion the chives being all flavours together, but if you don’t like onion you may want to skip them.  

Ranchish Dressing, but Much Much Better

Yes, it’s the same as every other recipe you find on the internet for this kind of thing. No I do not actually eat bought ranch dressing except in extreme situations. 

Ingredients 

+Dill,  more of this than the other herbs 

+Parsley

+Chives / green onion

+basil

+oregano, optional 

+ cilantro, optional  (only use if you want that flavour, on fajitas for example)

+ salt and pepper 

+ tony cachere’s créole seasoning 

+ small amount minced garlic or garlic powder

+ sour cream 

+ mayonnaise 

+ dash of cream / milk -optional, depending what consistency you’re looking for

Directions :

+Mince the herbs. well. In a pint jar dump 2 parts sour cream to 1 part mayonnaise. Add the minced herbs, salt and pepper and Tony’s seasoning. You need it to bring the other flavours together. 

+Mix, mix. 

+Taste it. In this recipe I’m looking for dill to be the slightly dominant flavour with chives right behind it and the other herbs complimenting. Fresh Basil and especially oregano can have strong flavours so I try to add less of those to begin with and add more as needed. 

+The consistency should be like a spread or dip. Depending how you’re using this (as a dressing for salad for example) you can thin it down with a splash of milk

+Use fresh herbs, ideally. I can’t speak to how this tastes with dried herbs; I haven’t tried it. Also this could definitely be made with only 2 or 3 different herbs. I wouldn’t skip the dill though, unless adding lots of cilantro for a Tex mex style of dressing.

+Now all the ways to use this, my favourite part. •Dip for veg. •Over baked potatoes. •Salads. •In wraps, this I highly highly recommend. •spread on bread when making sandwiches •spread on crackers, top with a slice of cheese and/or grilled meat and a slice of jalapeño but if you don’t like jalapeño skip that; I’m obsessed with this random combination. •I’m sure there are more ways to use this that I haven’t thought of. •Basically use any place you’d use ranch / other salad dressings,

Note to Self

This moment is important. 

Stay in it. 

Don’t miss it.

Babies soon become toddlers. 

Wedding days quickly become 6 years of marriage. 

Time, slow down. 

One

Every stick and pebble is a toy. 

Every puddle is a possibility. 

Every animal equals love. 

Every baby needs a hug. 

Every kiss ends with a giggle. 

Every time we put on shoes it means we’re going on an adventure adventure. 

Every meal is for throwing on the floor. 

Every parent is a jungle gym. 

Every auntie wants to share her food. 

Every stranger is just hanging around waiting to pick up Kitty from the floor.  

Every evening ends with trying to fall asleep in the bathtub.

Every outside time includes a chat with the cat and a hug to the dog.

Every social event for your parents is one fun game if catch-me-if-you-can for you

Every cow says “eee eee”  

Everyone who drives a quad or dirt bike or lawn mower is doing that only because they know you want a ride.

Every problem is solved by your momma and daddd. 

when you’re one, and it’s summer.

One Year a Mother

Mid morning today, sitting on a blanket by a pond with my baby I live my ideal version of being a mom. Keeping it real, the sky is grey with smoke from distant wildfires, the baby is sick, the ground is a little wet through the blanket. But still there are those stupid happy tears again. 

And by happy tears I mean that weird prickling in my eyes and a tear drop or two if I’m really out of control. These Happy tears were something I wasn’t prepared for. I’d never cried happy tears in my life before I became a mother. Now I can’t stop. 

You might be thinking, “shes taking post partum hormones seriously ?!” but I think it’s more than that. Motherhood has changed me irreversibly and one of those changes has been crying when my heart is too full to hold any more happiness. This first year has been a collage of moments when I think life can’t get any better than it is this is exact second. 5 extra minutes rocking the sweet child just so I can watch his perfect sleeping face, the split second when I turn around and catch Little B hugging Rebel the dog. Introducing Little B, 52 times the age he was last year at this time, to outside in summer -gurgling water, warm wind in our hair, grass on bare feet, mud puddles. BTT and Little B being silly together.

So I cry when I’m happy. It’s fine. I’ve changed in other ways too. My heart has changed, softened in many ways and hardened in a few. My brain has rewired itself irreversibly, my arms that used to be independent now feel empty when my child has long naps. And most embarrassingly, the cliches I’ve ridiculed pre motherhood all hold true for me -I wouldn’t have it any other way, my child is the cutest cleverest one that’s ever existed, they grow too fast, love is blind. 

There’s a lot of talk about how hard being a mother is. And it is sometimes. But today, on Mother’s Day, a year after become a mother, I celebrate the best, the happiest, the every dayest parts of my year as a mom.

Naloxone.

A guest post by my Mother on a difficult but real topic. 

Naloxone is a medication that rapidly and temporarily reverses the effects of opioid poisoning. Anyone can carry Naloxone, administer it and potentially save a life.

I just completed St John Ambulance’s Opioid Poisoning Response Training Program. The training consisted of a virtual nearly 2 hour meeting where we learned about

•stigma & harm reduction 

•how to respond to an opioid poisoning 

•how to administer nasal Naloxone

•self care after a traumatic event

I wish i could remember everything that was said but here is some of what remains with me:

*Language - rather than calling someone an addict, we can say someone who uses drugs. Drug misuse or just drug use instead of abuse. And this one really made an impression on me: drug poisoning instead of overdose. Almost all people who suffer drug poisoning have not done it intentionally. They have not deliberately taken more than they can handle. One reason for poisoning could be that they have bought a drug that has been mixed with something else they weren’t aware of. For example, pure heroin that is actually 100% heroin is rare so the person thinking that they’re taking heroin may also be unwittingly using other drugs.

*Destigmatizing. Being judgemental as a society of drug users does in no way help them. It can rather prevent them, because of, for example, shame or lack of services, from getting any help they need.  For me, this seems obvious. I, who long to show the love of Christ, cannot in anyway treat anyone as if they are worth less than others. In God’s sight or in mine. 

*Naloxone. We learned how to administer nasal Naloxone and the steps leading up to treatment. And also afterwards. If the person is responsive, you need to obtain their consent before administering Naloxone. Some will not consent due to their (legitimate) fear of “dope sickness” or withdrawal symptoms brought on by Naloxone treatment. These can be horrible- pain deep in your bones, the sensation of bugs crawling under your skin, nausea and so on. Also, Naloxone is only effective for 20-40 minutes so you need to continue watch carefully for returning signs of poisoning.  More doses of Naloxone may be necessary. 

The last part of our education was on self care. We learned how to figure out who and what can help us feel positive after a traumatic event such as assisting someone suffering from opiod poisoning. I feel i will always have the support of family and friends and I am thankful for that. 

I’m very happy I took Naloxone training although I wish there was no reason to ever need it.  And because I took the training through Siloam Mission, Siloam gets 2 free nasal Naloxone kits. I feel like i have done a tiny bit to help our community.

This Land

This house, I know is ours. We’ve paid for every piece that’s gone into it. We’ve built so much of it ourselves. But this land we set our house on, i have a complicated relationship to our land. How can we own this —This expanse of prairie. This strip of clear air with a window to the stars. This wedge of moonlight. This meadow of snow drifts. This stand of trees, and that one. This wood pecker destroying this old wooden hydro pole. How can a human own nature ? Isn’t that God’s thing ?

The incongruity of my name on the title of land taken away from other people doesn’t escape me. There’s a real irony about me as a Mennonite woman owning this land in this country. This land has been fought over at great cost to the original inhabitants. My people had their lifestyle upended and were chased out of  Europe right around the time the First Nations people were having similar but more horrific experiences in Canada. Did my ancestors understand that their displacement displaced others ? Did they realize the irony in them being chased from their homes in Europe straight into the homes others had been recently chased from in Canada ? I do know that their stance against war, fighting and government involvement will have kept them from being an active part in chasing the First Nations people from their lands. I do not know how much they knew of what was going on in Canada before they arrived. This was several generations ago; there’s no one left to ask.  I only see from the benefit of over hundred years of hindsight and Canada’s true history finally coming to light that my ancestors inadvertently benefited from others’ misfortunes. Generational Guilt.

Land ownership, especially in this country is full of ambiguity. Until we owned land ourselves I didn’t think much about this. Now I can’t unthink it. I often wonder about the people who lived here a couple hundred years ago. Did they have a fire ring near the place where mine is today ? Did they hunt deer, moose grazing in same meadow they graze in today ? Did their babies grow up under this same patch of stars ? What did their life look like before roads and cars and ugly Europeans? Did they feel as secure and happy as I do ? What things did the women of that day worry about? Did a tiny human learning to stagger from one parent to another bring them the same delight it brings me ? How did it get to be me raising my child on this peaceful beautiful bit of land ?

Mary and Me

Fully a month after Christmas and here’s me still thinking about Mary, a major character in the Christmas story. I think it’s because we had one final Christmas gathering last weekend and my dad read the Christmas story. The phrase about Mary pondering all the things really caught my attention. I thought I had a momentous year with the birth of my baby boy and so many other more minor but still major events and happenings. Compared to the year Mary had when her first child was born, however, my life seems very manageable.

Mary’s life, the year Jesus was born:

 -an engagement (to Joseph of course. They’d been friends for years; but still the proposal had been a surprise.) 
-then something stranger: an angel visitor with an unbelievable message that took her days, months, a lifetime to process. 
-ostracized by all the people who didn’t believe her unbelievable story about where her baby was coming from (those weeks when Joseph was considering breaking off their engagement were especially torturous.)  
-then one day the first strange and miraculous movement of a super human baby insider her and everything started to feel more real and doable
-a long trip with her fiancé and his family to their home village (so many distant family members she had to meet when all she wanted to do was sleep. In a real bed. Not. A. Pile. Of. Hay.) 
-the trauma of giving birth in a barn 
-then finally meeting the newborn that immediately changed the whole world, not just her world. (She had to share her baby with everyone from the very beginning. How hard must that have been for her protective first time mom heart?!)

Mary kept these things and pondered them in her heart. Everyone else was talking about them: the neighbours were gossiping about her and Joseph, the shepherds were telling everyone they met about this Baby, the Saviour, and the angels and their amazing song. The wisemen asked so many people where to find this Little King that they accidentally alerted a jealous murderer to the birth of this baby King. Old people were waiting in the temple to meet the Baby.

 It must have felt to Mary like was talking about her and her baby, and no one understood what she was going through. She had no choice but to quietly process everything internally, to ponder these things in her heart on top of second guessing how to mother a Holy Child, how to share Him with everyone in the world, how to cherish every single smile, giggle, silly game before He grows up……………………

Disclaimers. I took a lot of poetic license with the Christmas story and humanized it to the point where it is relatable for me.  No irreverence is intended. 

 

Janvier Hurts

Janvier hurts. While I spend the whole day giggling with my 8 month old or if we’re not giggling he’s being clever or cuddly, January hurts. 

For little things: it’s post holidays, post all the parties, what do we cook now that we don’t cook Christmas food. It’s the air stings my face when I go outside and the snowy fields don’t hold the magic of angels singing I could easily imagine 2 weeks ago. It’s day 5 of fog, and, yes, the heavy layer of frost on everything is beautiful, but give me clear skies already. It’s unexciting planning meetings for all the winter responsibilities we could do without -crafts with the kids and Bible study for the whole congregation.

It’s bigger things. It’s Sissy going back to BC when we all are so used to her being here. She says families are meant to spread out, but we kind of disagree. It’s all the brothers drama all the time that we want to avoid, but also spectate on because it keeps life interesting.

There’s scary things. The man on drugs who really could’ve frozen in his vehicle just down the road from our house but amazingly didn’t. It’s Gun shots fired in the night near where we were winching a car out of the ditch at Keeseekoose, the popo coming to find out if we’d seen the “guy with the gun, wearing a plaid jacket.”  Although he must’ve been nearby, we didn’t see him. 24 hours later we’re still saying dramatically to each other “what if.” And then 48 hours later I finally think to think, “what hurt made this human want to hurt other humans to this extent?”

There’s so many hard things happening around us, more than to us right at this minute. There’s hurting people, hurting children. There’s so much hurt this Janvier, every Janvier, every month, every day, every year.