Emptiness

I went to sleep empty, with prayers on my lips as my eyes closed.
I woke up mostly empty still, loathe to get up and face life. I did it though, because there was no other option.
At school, I sat listlessly and sorta stared off into space until the kathunk of the front door signalled the children had started arriving. And even as they walked in class, a distracted "good morning" was my only acknowledgment that my job for the day had begun.
Somewhere between writing Joshua 1.9 on smooth wood chips and singing a rejuvenating round of "so get along little pony and keep a watchful eye!" my heart filled up a little.
And hearing my kiddies yell their 5 times tables as they ran around the school and watching them come in breathless and excited made me a little excited about the day too.
Then, spending much of math class working with J on almost every one of his math problems and hearing Shaniah say about her math lesson that "this isn't hard!" inserted hope and determination into my spirit.
 A shouting, inspired noon soccer game followed by finishing our exhilarating true adventure book at story time reminded me about finding pleasure in minuscule day-to-day rhythms.
Unplanned, I spent extra time with the grade 4 reading class and then surprised them (and myself) by saying they should draw pictures instead of the usual answer-10-questions-about-the-story. Their sparkling eyed joy at that tiny break in monotony made my eyes sparkle a little too, in reflection of their happiness.
And during last period I made split second decision and gave everyone a break in science (only a 10 question quiz). I watched my girls enthusiastically work together to make star shapes by tying twigs together and rough and the beautiful results of their work made me joyful when the children had gone home and it was just me, standing and staring at stars made from branches.
And all day, whenever i was sitting at my desk I saw the morning's scrap of wood prominently propped against the candle on one corner of my desk with four words jumping out at me whenever I raised my head to answer a waving hand. BE OF GOOD COURAGE.
This emptiness isn't something I can change. But I can be of good courage and then, I think, God  changes that.

Make Me into Mwezi

There is nothing so comforting
                   And companionable
             As the accompaniment
Of Mwezi* on a night drive,
Its light a cozy white glow
Through the glass.
And nothing as secure
                    And silent
 As the blanket of light
From Mwezi
On a midnight walk,
Shining a silver path
Before me.

But the best Part of Mwezi is
the Source of her light.
Mwezi doesn't light herself.
Sh reflects light from
something
so much bigger and powerful
Than her Mwezi-self:
Dzuwa.**
Dzuwa is
Giant
Brilliant
Warm
Dazzling
Blindingly Bright
The Giver of Life.
Mwezi is
Little
Dark
Empty
Useless
Without Dzuwa.
But Dzuwa is very happy to
Share His light.
He shines it onto Mwezi
And Mwezi quietly passes the
Shine on to
The Dark Places on Earth at Night,
Dropping silvery slivers of Hope
Onto people's paths.
And wrapping them in a blanket
Of security.
It's not Mwezi's light doing this.
It's Dzuwa's light inside Mwezi.


Dzuwa, make me into Your Mwezi.


-The Sunset Watcher, aspiring to join the Sunset in the sky

*moon, in the Chichewa language
**sun in the Chichewa language

Remember a Command

I do like reading orders.

“Do all things without murmurings and disputings:”
‭
“Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”

“Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;”
‭‭
“Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.”
‭‭
“For ye have need of patience,"

They don't leave me guessing. They're clear, concise, practical orders. I understand them, I understand how they relate to my life. And it's no problem to apply them.
Except for days when something distracts me.
And days when faith is tenuous.
And days when I feel like staying in bed and spoiling myself instead of getting up and giving myself away.
And days when my heart wants what it wants and not what it should.
And days when I second guess my life.
And days when I feel a little empty at the beginning of the day and even emptier at the end.

That's basically every day. I wish I remembered these orders and suggestions and commands the minute something Went wrong, or even right. I have a terrible memory; it's difficult for me to remember these things but not impossible. I'm challenging myself to remember this week. Just one command.

‭‭

Is It Enough?

I throw my energies into my work.
But is it enough?
I spend hours making lesson plans and correcting work.
But is it enough?
I read books on dyslexia and love languages and google learning disorders and ask countless questions of experienced teacher so I can teach and reach my students better.
But is it enough?
I've made an entire lifestyle change for these children.
But is it enough?
I've left every single friend and family member for these children .
But is it enough?
I've completelychanged my routines -I go to bed earlier and get up earlier and get enough sleep -for these children.
But is it enough?
I truly feel like I have left everything for these children I am here to teach.
But is it enough?

Koma popanda chikondi, Ndili chabe.
Ndilibe chikondi, Ine ndili change.

But without love, I am nothing
If I am without love, I am nothing.

SappyNess

What positive connections am I creating with the people around met?
That's what I said I'd write about next and so I will do that. I don't want to though because it makes me feel inadequate and selfish and it's infinitely harder to identify the ways I'm positively influencing people than the to identify the ways they're blessing me.
I have no doubt that God is using me to lift someone else. That said, I have very little idea what those ways are.
The words "give someone a hand and you both climb higher" do rest on one hallway wall of my school, reminding us all to do the second mile, kindness thing. And although I fight sappy cliches, this one is true. When I keep my voice level and spend 5 minutes repeating what I've just said until S finally catches on, she's happy because,
#1. She didn't get yelled at so she feels confident, not stupid.  
#2. She finally understands how to multiply fractions.
I'm happy too because,
#1. I kept calm and patient so I feel confident and good about myself.
 #2. S finally understands how to multiply fractions.
I gave  her a hand and we both climbed higher up the ladder of knowledge, each in a different way.

Another blessing thing I did was to step out of my comfort zone and into the back bench at church yesterday and begin a conversation with a friendless young mother and her two gorgeous TinyGirls. Was she blessed? I don't know. I do know that I was blessed by the happy feeling that reaching out gives me and, really, I think she was blessed too.
Being a blessing involved washing the supper dishes for the Lady on the Mainfloor. It constituted taking C home after the party last night. Being a blessing was sending a random fun text to a friend and also buying 9 rolls of brown paper so T+T+B+B had one less thing on their lengthy grocery list. Being a blessing the rest of my the week will mean giving 2 of my after-schools and evenings  to cooking and serving at a fundraiser.

I feel like throwing this post into the  proverbia garbage can because I'm not good at writing on demand and so this sounds stilted and awkward and fake. I'm also not good at bragging sometimes. But which is more important -not posting something if it's abnormal for/unlike me or trying to grow my words and feelings by writing something Out of character once in a while?

A Reflexion of Thanksgiving

The sermon in my Home Church Sunday morning, referred to as a Reflection of Thanksgiving and focused on Being a Blessing made me analyze the positive connections with people around me.

•My dad, my precious unselfish Dad who got up early, got my car an oil change and winter tires AND a tank full of gas. I don't think there is anything I can ever do to pay my dad back for all the things he does for me. ❤️
•a wide awake new friend lets a few kids to crash his house at midnight for espressos and pizza and laughter and conversation
•The modern SteinbachBoy who went to sport check at the same time as me and kept doing blessing things like holding the door and letting me go ahead in checkout.
• people who don't don't even know me well show so much interest in my life just because they are kind and interested and looking out for me.
•That 2 coteachers didn't make a big deal of my groggy copier error this morning.
•Two kind people who both brought after-school-edibles this afternoon
•People who accept and work with the way I do things even if it's not the way they'd things.
•Margareta who blessed me with the gifts of companionship while driving and patience when I decided to stay in Steinbach until evening and entertaining me through the boring hours of dark highways.
•friendships and kindness from so many people in my S-Home and my new N-Home

Next up:  What positive connections am I creating with the people around me?

Blessed and Thankful -The Sunset Watcher 🌅


((I know. Lists are cheating as blog posts. They're boring; they're an easy way out. Maybe sometime I will be so unlazy and unbusy that I will stop writing lists. All I am now is sorry -sorry for lazyness and busyness and failure on my part. And just a bit of advice -Learn from my mistakes. -The Sunset Watcher 🌅))

Another postscript -I am posting belatedly because the network isn't so lovely here lately. -SW

A Reflexion of Thanksgiving

The sermon in my Home Church Sunday morning, referred to as a Reflection of Thanksgiving and focused on Being a Blessing made me analyze the positive connections with people around me.

•My dad, my precious unselfish Dad who got up early, got my car an oil change and winter tires AND a tank full of gas. I don't think there is anything I can ever do to pay my dad back for all the things he does for me. ❤️
•a wide awake new friend lets a few kids to crash his house at midnight for espressos and pizza and laughter and conversation
•The modern SteinbachBoy who went to sport check at the same time as me and kept doing blessing things like holding the door and letting me go ahead in checkout.
• people who don't don't even know me well show so much interest in my life just because they are kind and interested and looking out for me.
•That 2 coteachers didn't make a big deal of my groggy copier error this morning.
•Two kind people who both brought after-school-edibles this afternoon
•People who accept and work with the way I do things even if it's not the way they'd things.
•Margareta who blessed me with the gifts of companionship while driving and patience when I decided to stay in Steinbach until evening and entertaining me through the boring hours of dark highways.
•friendships and kindness from so many people in my S-Home and my new N-Home

Next up:  What positive connections am I creating with the people around me?

Blessed and Thankful -The Sunset Watcher 🌅


((I know. Lists are cheating as blog posts. They're boring; they're an easy way out. Maybe sometime I will be so unlazy and unbusy that I will stop writing lists. All I am now is sorry -sorry for lazyness and busyness and failure on my part. And just a bit of advice -Learn from my mistakes. -The Sunset Watcher 🌅))

Another postscript -I am posting belatedly because the network isn't so lovely here lately. -SW