A month and a half into this particular tribulation the fog finally starts to lift. I see things more clearly, deal with them with my heart and reasoning brain instead of my fight and flight reflexes. And eat half the mars bar little B and I had bought for Oma for the next time she visits. The end of the day leaves me exhausted but not completely overwhelmed. 7 hours of emergency room waiting doesn’t send me into complete PTSD and walking out of ER with a healthy husband and two living children instead of a dead baby in a tiny box is strangely…healing ?
I’m able to reflect on the past weeks and I’m surprised at what I see. Change, not only to life as I know it but to who I am. I was ruled by fear for days until a late night conversation with my husband showed me the complete uselessness of fear; the source of the fear really didn’t completely leave, but I’ve had tools to deal with it in a healthy way. I have talked on the phone to so many people and I haven’t spontaneously combusted (I’ve been fairly “allergic” to talking on the phone in the past.) Same goes with conversations: I’m getting better at asking the right people the right questions at the right time (some conditions apply). I have marginally more acceptance of where I am right now. It’s almost impossible not to live in the moment with a 4 year old and an 18 year old who is also 4. I have a deeper respect for people who take care of other peoples kids. In the last few months we have had 3 different kids of different Ages staying with us at various times for various reasons and for various amounts of time (the current record being 1 1/2 months and counting) and it’s truly one of the best and also one of the complex and challenging things I’ve ever chosen to do.
As always a disclaimer. Or three. This is not a comprehensive list because it’s 3 hours past my bedtime and I’m losing my train of thought. Also all growth comes with trial and error. I’ve glossed over the error part in this post.
