Reach Farther

I like my corner, my solitary confinement, my easy, my selfish. I like shutting  myself away from life, grieving alone, pitying me, keeping myself focused on only me. I like it when I don't have to share my comfort (my husband) and when I don't have to share my security (my husband) and when I don't have to share my lifeline (my husband).

Maybe though it's when I'm grieving that it's my time to reach farther than my corner. Maybe  allowing my husband to help his family instead of being too clingy and possessive of his comfort is a healthy thing. Maybe sharing my sorrow with a friend instead of keeping it safely inside me is therapeutic. Maybe leaving my house and helping someone else with their children is what heals me. Maybe keeping myself to myself will only make the pain burn deeper. Maybe the time when the last thing I want to do is give me away is the time when it's the most important for me to do. Maybe I need to reach farther than myself. 

A Time to Dance. Or Not ?

“A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;” ‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:4‬

And just when I know it's the season to dance, a massive missil of sorrow rockets into my
life. Tears flow, my body shakes with grief and my new and wonderful husband has to deal
with a mourning wife instead of a laughing dancing wife .
One thing I have found, however,  that no matter how excruciating the pain of giving up 2
children I love so much, it does not and cannot destroy the joy that has come to me in other
ways, that sadness in one area of my life cannot delete contentment and the sheer happiness
of my new life. And one more thing,  something my husband reminded me of one night when
my heart was mourning, That the One who has held me through every other joy and tragedy
of my life, my Jesus, is the One who still holds me, and will hold me tomorrow, helping me
through the extreme happiness and the extreme sorrows this moment of my life presents.
If  any of you are facing either joy or pain, excitement about the future or a cloud of
discouragement about the future or any combination of these contrasting feelings, remember
Who has promised to keep you. Remember that the One who is in charge of tomorrow is the
One who is holding you, and that sometimes the time to mourn and the time to dance happen simultaneously.

Marvels

Marvels have come to me in the form of the love of a Christian man. And a marvel it is. I never could have imagined the intense magical emotions of this moment; and magical it is. 

Love has changed me. The heady excitement and a vibrant emotions have taken over my brain and my senses, leaving me with too little control over my connections with reality as it's happening around me. 

The hardest part is keeping my feet on the ground when my head is in the clouds and my eyes are on the stars. They'd rather be walking through the Milky Way. 

Power Struggle

God

This life is torturous.
It's a fight for control.
A loss of control.
A fight to regain control.
A loss of control.
A fight to get it back.
Another fight to keep it.
How much of this is natural?
How much of this do you like to see?
How much of this makes you
Shake your head?
How much of this makes
Your disappointed tears fall down
Onto me as I'm once again Unsure.
Are You the warning shiver of hesitation that goes thru me ?
Are You the joyful security that
fills me
When I just do the thing
I'm not sure about ?
Or is that small undercurrent of guilt Your voice  telling me No?
I don't always recognize Your voice.
I don't.
But what I do recognize is You.
Your Unchanging hand holding up
the violet sky of almost-darkness
You sending the softest wind through the tiny-leafed trees
Your artist work in the new greenness of everything growing
Your love emanating from
the warm glowing sun at midday.
If I can recognize You in
so many things around me,
Why do I not instantly know You in me ?

Be still and know... psalm 46.10

Uncomfortable

It's safe here.
Cozy.
Stable .
Comfortable.
Why should I move?
This place too nice.
I'm happy.
Contented.
Secure.
Comfortable.
Why should I more?
Maybe there's a good place that is
Hard.
Shaky.
Uncomfortable.
Maybe I can find joy in
Chaos.
Insecurity.
Uncomfortable.
Maybe I should move.
Maybe comfortable isn't best.
Maybe unknown is better.
Maybe insecurity births character.
Maybe shaky becomes stability.
Maybe uncomfortable is the new comfortable.

If You Play with Fire

A flaming matchstick. A stack of straw bales. A child.
A flaming word matchstick. A stack human bales. An adult.


Both combinations lead to fiery infernos. The fires look different. They sound different. They smell different. But in one way they are the same. They burn everything they touch.

Don't play with fire.

Upheaval

Last spring I made a choice: I was done with an idealistic life, the jobs I loved and had worked for the last 6 years, the people who were my familiarity and my security, my stable, comfortable, easy life.
 lead me where my feet could never wander...let me walk upon the water wherever you would call me...take me where my trust is without borders...my heart will be made stronger....
The lyrics of this well known song (Oceans, by Hillsong) were my prayer for weeks, months maybe. I knew God wanted me somewhere I wasn't but I didn't know where. I knew I needed to step foot out of the safety of the boat and walk toward him over the waves but I couldn't tell which direction His voice came from. I started one way but turned around before leaving the boat realizing that it wasn't the right way. I heard a call from a different way, and mistook it for Jesus call, but that voice sent shivers of terror down my spine and I realized eventually that that wasn't the right direction either. Then the real call came. The call itself wasn't monumental and it was disguised as something I didn't want to do. But for some reason, there was little question about whether I would go toward the sound of that call or not. I just did it, because something about it was right. That decision changed my life; my straight and smooth path turned into a gradual incline; then suddenly the pavement ended and I was on a gravel road instead of a smooth highway. The occasional steep hill, or a boulder in the road to maneuver around have been part of this rolling path through the foothills. Then I reached the real hills, the tight switchbacks, the steep stretch, through a forest thick with trees and  wild animals crashing through the dense forest beside me, coming too close to my helpless self.
But one day I saw a few rays of sunshine sifting through the thickly-leafed trees and knew I was almost out of the forest. About the same time the path stopped being steeply uphill and abruptly started to be steeply downhill, And I knew the age old adage to be true "it's always darkest just before dawn."
Upheaval isn't all bad. In fact, I'm one of those annoying people who says that a perfectly easy life would be too boring and uncomplicated. I'm also the same person who *asked* God to take me places I couldn't go alone. He's  definitely done that and made me into a stronger wiser person through it all. Now that I'm on the downward climb on this stretch of road, I wonder what the next part of my journey will hold. And I hope that I continue to have the bravery and faith to let God take me to places I would never be able to traverse alone.