Good Day, Bad Day

Yesterday was a good day. Yesterday the weather was sunshiney and perfect and the day went well and passed swiftly. The children were sweet and kind to one another, remembered the things they were supposed to remember, didn't argue or fight on the playground, were well behaved all day long and performed so beautifully during their Christmas program practice that I rewarded their good behaviour with some free time to work on fun projects. They were happy scholars and I was a happy teacher and sent them all home with a benevolent heart, a little sad that the day was gone so quickly.

Today was not  a good day. The weather was cloudy and depressing and blowing snow into my face and, although the day didn't drag, I wIshed from the beginning of it that it was already over. The children all seemed a little sluggish and attitudish, and chaos kept interrupting them.  They made dreadful mistakes in their English lessons and forgot important math skills. On the playground, they argued and goofed off and all day they were constantly testing the boundaries of rules in subtle ways I wasn't prepared to deal with. They made fun and tattled instead of yesterday's kindness and, durning the afternoon practice session, they whispered and got distracted. The day ended abruptly but not badly; in fact from last recess on it climbed in niceNess and ended on a positive note. But I was only too happy to send the last child out the door and huddle on my teacher chair, my head on my desk and look out at the grey day that matched my mood.

By tonight I wonder if the contrast of the two days was a little of a lesson for the teacher.
I wonder if this is how God sees me -well behaved and nice one day and irresponsible and chaotic the next.

"That Jordanna," I can imagine Him saying to his Angel Friends. "I am happy to see what she's doing today.  She's been patient and happy all day long ! She hasn't said one nasty thing about anyone and when someone told her off she didn't even get defensive and angry. She's even making a special effort to do something kind for some downtrodden individual tonight.  I will give her a tiny blessing because she's done so well today."

Of course God knows everything so He wouldn't be surprised if His narration of my doings the following day quickly turned negative. "Jordanna didn't leave her house without praying this morning. It's a good  thing too, because that prayer is the only thing that's keeping her together today. To begin with, she wasn't extremely early for school so she didn't have enough minutes of silence alone with the books to get herself enthused about the day's English lessons. She lost track of time during singing so math class was 6 minutes too short and she got a little tense and her students felt pressured. She laughed at some unkindness (not among students) when she should have stuck up for the unfortunate individual being mocked. She didn't respond responsibly to a coteacher's disciplinary decisions and, to make matters worse, gossiped with other coteachers about. And all day she's been embracing self-pity with open arms, sighing about the very things that, as she will one day  realize, are an important part of making her into the person I envision her being."

My God has more patience for me on my bad days than I have my students on their bad days. I will learn from Him.

-the sunset watcher

Emptiness

I went to sleep empty, with prayers on my lips as my eyes closed.
I woke up mostly empty still, loathe to get up and face life. I did it though, because there was no other option.
At school, I sat listlessly and sorta stared off into space until the kathunk of the front door signalled the children had started arriving. And even as they walked in class, a distracted "good morning" was my only acknowledgment that my job for the day had begun.
Somewhere between writing Joshua 1.9 on smooth wood chips and singing a rejuvenating round of "so get along little pony and keep a watchful eye!" my heart filled up a little.
And hearing my kiddies yell their 5 times tables as they ran around the school and watching them come in breathless and excited made me a little excited about the day too.
Then, spending much of math class working with J on almost every one of his math problems and hearing Shaniah say about her math lesson that "this isn't hard!" inserted hope and determination into my spirit.
 A shouting, inspired noon soccer game followed by finishing our exhilarating true adventure book at story time reminded me about finding pleasure in minuscule day-to-day rhythms.
Unplanned, I spent extra time with the grade 4 reading class and then surprised them (and myself) by saying they should draw pictures instead of the usual answer-10-questions-about-the-story. Their sparkling eyed joy at that tiny break in monotony made my eyes sparkle a little too, in reflection of their happiness.
And during last period I made split second decision and gave everyone a break in science (only a 10 question quiz). I watched my girls enthusiastically work together to make star shapes by tying twigs together and rough and the beautiful results of their work made me joyful when the children had gone home and it was just me, standing and staring at stars made from branches.
And all day, whenever i was sitting at my desk I saw the morning's scrap of wood prominently propped against the candle on one corner of my desk with four words jumping out at me whenever I raised my head to answer a waving hand. BE OF GOOD COURAGE.
This emptiness isn't something I can change. But I can be of good courage and then, I think, God  changes that.

Make Me into Mwezi

There is nothing so comforting
                   And companionable
             As the accompaniment
Of Mwezi* on a night drive,
Its light a cozy white glow
Through the glass.
And nothing as secure
                    And silent
 As the blanket of light
From Mwezi
On a midnight walk,
Shining a silver path
Before me.

But the best Part of Mwezi is
the Source of her light.
Mwezi doesn't light herself.
Sh reflects light from
something
so much bigger and powerful
Than her Mwezi-self:
Dzuwa.**
Dzuwa is
Giant
Brilliant
Warm
Dazzling
Blindingly Bright
The Giver of Life.
Mwezi is
Little
Dark
Empty
Useless
Without Dzuwa.
But Dzuwa is very happy to
Share His light.
He shines it onto Mwezi
And Mwezi quietly passes the
Shine on to
The Dark Places on Earth at Night,
Dropping silvery slivers of Hope
Onto people's paths.
And wrapping them in a blanket
Of security.
It's not Mwezi's light doing this.
It's Dzuwa's light inside Mwezi.


Dzuwa, make me into Your Mwezi.


-The Sunset Watcher, aspiring to join the Sunset in the sky

*moon, in the Chichewa language
**sun in the Chichewa language

Remember a Command

I do like reading orders.

“Do all things without murmurings and disputings:”
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“Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”

“Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;”
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“Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.”
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“For ye have need of patience,"

They don't leave me guessing. They're clear, concise, practical orders. I understand them, I understand how they relate to my life. And it's no problem to apply them.
Except for days when something distracts me.
And days when faith is tenuous.
And days when I feel like staying in bed and spoiling myself instead of getting up and giving myself away.
And days when my heart wants what it wants and not what it should.
And days when I second guess my life.
And days when I feel a little empty at the beginning of the day and even emptier at the end.

That's basically every day. I wish I remembered these orders and suggestions and commands the minute something Went wrong, or even right. I have a terrible memory; it's difficult for me to remember these things but not impossible. I'm challenging myself to remember this week. Just one command.

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Is It Enough?

I throw my energies into my work.
But is it enough?
I spend hours making lesson plans and correcting work.
But is it enough?
I read books on dyslexia and love languages and google learning disorders and ask countless questions of experienced teacher so I can teach and reach my students better.
But is it enough?
I've made an entire lifestyle change for these children.
But is it enough?
I've left every single friend and family member for these children .
But is it enough?
I've completelychanged my routines -I go to bed earlier and get up earlier and get enough sleep -for these children.
But is it enough?
I truly feel like I have left everything for these children I am here to teach.
But is it enough?

Koma popanda chikondi, Ndili chabe.
Ndilibe chikondi, Ine ndili change.

But without love, I am nothing
If I am without love, I am nothing.