Power

To me, power is often a misrepresented word. It's often used in reference social status and high-ranking positions and political leaders and fast vehicles. Indeed there is a bit of truth to that -each of these things does hold its own kind of power. But that power doesn't begin to compare to the Power I witnessed Christmas morning. Would you like to hear about it?

It's Christmas morning and I'm sitting on a hard bench in HomeChurch waiting for the service to begin, completely content to bask in this place's comfortable familiarity.

Then the music begins, a strong, moving hymn sung by the whole group of 200 or more worshippers. Oh Beautiful Star of Bethlehem, shine on. If you've ever heard a Christmas hymn sung from the hearts of 200 people, you've witnessed Power. It's more than the beautiful  Harmonies, although that's powerful enough. It's more than the complete synchronization of 200 different voices, although that's powerful too. It's not even the Christmas words, although Christmas words are also extremely powerful.

The power doesn't come from 200 people's voices, but from their hearts. The music isn't just well sung; it's a beautiful tune made more beautiful by God's presence, until it's almost reminiscent of the angels' song on The First Christmas. 200 people singing together is impressive but this morning it's more than impressive because each of these 200 people is feeling the same joy, celebrating the birth of their Saviour. The words of the song were well written, by someone who must have felt a personal connection to Jesus's birth. Now imagine 200 people who feel a personal connection to Jesus's birth all singing those lyrics in unison.

This is Power. The intense inhuman feeling of peace and extreme joy and calm contentment and strong resolve -the combination of feelings so real and strong that they can only come from the Reason for Christmas, Jesus.

((What is your definition of power?))

Stopping My Ears

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“Whoso stoppeth his ears at the cry of the poor, he also shall cry himself, but shall not be heard.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭21:13‬ ‭

After I highlighted this verse in my Bible (app) the other day, a friend commented, "Ouch. That says it pretty plain." It certainly does. In fact, it made me wonder how many cries I'm ignoring this Christmas. How many people around me are silently begging for help and I'm not paying attention? There probably will not be any beggars to ignore on my elitist doorstep or in the expensive coffee shops and restaurants my Christmas parties revolve around. I probably have already religiously dropped my change into the Salvation Army's purses and stuffed a generous Christmas offering into the collection plate at my church last Sunday. I may have even set one evening aside to do a good deed -sing Christmas carols to neighbors or spend the supper hour at a soup kitchen. I have done well, I'm sure. But what have I missed?
Which of my acquaintances will spend a solitary Christmas Day? Maybe I ignored the loneliness in her eyes as she told me of her plans for Christmas.
Is one of my friends  living a sad holiday because it's her first Christmas since her dad died? Did I brush off her comment about "missing dad this Christmas" because I couldn't think of a sympathetic unawkward reply?
Do do i know someone who is living far away from his family and can't come home for Christmas? Remember that unanswered message he sent me wondering how I was spending Christmas?

Am  I stopping my ears to the cries of the poor?

My Name is Peter

I am cowering tonight, feeling guilty. I've just learned how vulnerable I am.
I purposed that No, of course I wouldn't deny my Jesus. Of course I'll always stand up for Him and for my Faith. But If i would've paid attention, Jesus was probably quietly saying that "before the night is over, you will deny me."  Luke 22.34
I was having a fun evening. And that's good.  Most of the people I was with are people who follow my Jesus too. But even with those people, it's sometimes not cool to admit it. And when someone told me, "you are one of Jesus's disciples," Luke 22.56 though in modern speech it sounded more like "you're so pious," l instantly retaliated with a suspiciously vehement "of course I'm not! I do a lot worse things than you do!"  sort of answer Luke 22.57. And minutes later as the clock on my phone silently struck 1am Luke 22.60, I felt Jesus's eyes on me and wondered why I had denied Him. Luke 22.61
I disappointed my strong personal convictions.  I went against the things I believe and stand for. I adopted the prevalent attitude of indifference. I allowed other people's opinions of me to define me and tailored my words and actions to fit what I knew my companions would approve of.
But exactly what i did doesn't  matter much to me. It's the fact that what I did was denying my Jesus.
And like Peter, my heart is crying bitterly. Luke 22.62

*in case you are unfamiliar with the
story of a man named Peter denying
his God 3 times in the space of one
night, refer to Luke 22 in the Bible

More Learned

This time, it's been 6 weeks since I've been home.  It isn't long compared to some times I have been gone. But for some reason, as I was driving home,  I suddenly realized that I have learned a lot in those 6 weeks.

I've found wishing I was somewhere else is really quite useless because wishing won't transport me to the place I want to be right now. Through that, I've learned that where I am is the best place for me. It must be, otherwise God wouldn't have put me there.

I've learned to avoid boredom.  I stay busy. I do things for others. I work at school late at night (a rather addictive habit.) I socialize every chance I get, not because the parties are amazing but because I hate to be alone.
I walk miles every day because I cannot sit silent and alone for hours without insanity intruding. I don't know why God is teaching me to embrace loneliness and change it into productivity but He is.
As much as possible for someone as dependant on human company as I am, I've gotten used to the loneliness. To doing things alone. Driving everywhere alone. Cooking alone. Eating alone (some nights). Hanging out alone (albeit I am not spectacular company for myself). I'm learning that God is my companion; I can say to Him what I would say if my sister was with me.

I've learned that I am so much stronger than I knew I could be but I've also realized the stark reality of my susceptibility and weakness. And, ironically, my strongest moments (or the moments when I feel strong) usually happen to be my weakest.

I've learned about contentment. You know the verse "godliness with contentment is great gain?"  From sources unknown to me and most definitely known to God, that verse goes through my mind in some of my most unhappy moments.

When I think about it, I've learned a lot. And because I'm going Home, today I feel victorious.

-The Sunset Watcher, a week later....

Raw Confusion

All the wrong places
And
All the wrong reasons
And
All the wrong expectations

I'm a little heartsick and confused at nothing and everything in my life.  I wish my life wasn't one long endless battle for grace, both God's and mine.
I don't have to fight God so He'll give me His Grace but I do have to fight me to make myself small enough to allow His Grace.
I also have to fight myself for the other grace, the virtue, polite and controlled and, always, kind.

I didn't think there was anything really wrong with me. I thought that this meh stage I'm in is just a phase, some passing aura that I'll be through soon, with not too much outside intervention or extra work on my part. And maybe it's true.
But there's something lost and confused and terrified in me. The future terrifies me in some way it never has before. This place has a slimy gripping hold on me that makes me feel trapped in this barren wilderness, when really I'm not. I feel like I'm stuck here; there's no escaping; in the back of my mind is an unreasonable fear that I might suddenly find myself unable to get away from this horrible place. When people ask me how I like it here, I have to be honest. "It's different from Home," I say, trying to avoid an answer by slightly redirecting the topic to comparing Wilderness to Civilization. (It works every time. #conversationmanipulationh )

I came from a wild wicked city, home of LGBT parades, the raucous Summer in the City every summer, town of lux: high-end vehicles, beautiful houses and money, where rights are fought for in local high schools and drug busts and the occasional holdup are run-of-the-mill. I come from a place that is basically the heart of the devil but I never felt his power so strongly until i came here.
This deadbeat town, with half its buildings empty and the other half full of retirees, full of the devil? It's unlikely. Then it must the countryside full of Holdeman farmers. That seems just as unlikely. But it's true. All of it. I know now that the devil likes the Farmer and the Retiree as much as the Royal or theand the Drug Addict. He likes me that well too.

This shows a little too much of my heart for my liking. I wrote it during one night of confusion last week I think and I felt like editing it til it was bare of emotion but something made me change my mind and decide to post it exactly as it was written. Raw Confusion.
(The Sunset Watcher)