Raw Confusion

All the wrong places
And
All the wrong reasons
And
All the wrong expectations

I'm a little heartsick and confused at nothing and everything in my life.  I wish my life wasn't one long endless battle for grace, both God's and mine.
I don't have to fight God so He'll give me His Grace but I do have to fight me to make myself small enough to allow His Grace.
I also have to fight myself for the other grace, the virtue, polite and controlled and, always, kind.

I didn't think there was anything really wrong with me. I thought that this meh stage I'm in is just a phase, some passing aura that I'll be through soon, with not too much outside intervention or extra work on my part. And maybe it's true.
But there's something lost and confused and terrified in me. The future terrifies me in some way it never has before. This place has a slimy gripping hold on me that makes me feel trapped in this barren wilderness, when really I'm not. I feel like I'm stuck here; there's no escaping; in the back of my mind is an unreasonable fear that I might suddenly find myself unable to get away from this horrible place. When people ask me how I like it here, I have to be honest. "It's different from Home," I say, trying to avoid an answer by slightly redirecting the topic to comparing Wilderness to Civilization. (It works every time. #conversationmanipulationh )

I came from a wild wicked city, home of LGBT parades, the raucous Summer in the City every summer, town of lux: high-end vehicles, beautiful houses and money, where rights are fought for in local high schools and drug busts and the occasional holdup are run-of-the-mill. I come from a place that is basically the heart of the devil but I never felt his power so strongly until i came here.
This deadbeat town, with half its buildings empty and the other half full of retirees, full of the devil? It's unlikely. Then it must the countryside full of Holdeman farmers. That seems just as unlikely. But it's true. All of it. I know now that the devil likes the Farmer and the Retiree as much as the Royal or theand the Drug Addict. He likes me that well too.

This shows a little too much of my heart for my liking. I wrote it during one night of confusion last week I think and I felt like editing it til it was bare of emotion but something made me change my mind and decide to post it exactly as it was written. Raw Confusion.
(The Sunset Watcher)